Hello. I wanted to take this opportunity to talk to you about the aliens. It's true. Aliens have actually come to our planet, they have settled here, and they are living among us, unseen.
Look down at your keyboard, at your hands. Especially, notice the smallest finger on your hands. No! Don't stare! Just kind of...glance.
Notice how your pinky finger is noticably shorter than the others, and how much weaker it is than the others? It's almost like it really shouldn't be there. The truth is...it shouldn'tbe there.
Sometime in the past-- I don't know when-- aliens from somewhere else, albeit very small aliens, decided to colonize our planet. Sometime, somehow, they infiltrated our homes, and attached themselves to some of our normally four-fingered (well, with 3 fingers and a thumb) hands. Notice I said "some" of our hands. There is no way that they could arrive in sufficient numbers to attach to each one of us. So, with their advanced knowledge of biology, they cloned "dummy" pinkies for the other hands. One can easily tell the "dummy" pinkies, via a series of tests--most of which involve repeated forceful testing with a 10 lb sledghammer--but I cannot divulge those details here. To do so could cause a wholesale panic, untold carnage, and millions--no,billions, of crushed fingers. After all, no one said that everyone who uses the internet is intelligent. I don't say it, that's for sure.
They (the aliens) come from a planet that is somewhat darker than ours, and they long for the moist, darkened caves of their home. That is why, when you are driving, and stuck in traffic, you constantly see them darting for cover. It only looks like those other folks are picking their noses. But I, and now, you know the truth. It is the aliens running for whatever shelter they can find. The moist darkness that they call home.
I call these aliens "phalangoids". Some time ago, another man, of Asian descent, happened to be in a situation where a new life-form was discovered. He made two astute observations. One was that if you discover a new creature you have to name it. The other was that a name with "oids" on the end was a good one. Not long after making these observations, he met his death; due, in fact, to one of the new creatures dragging him screaming through a hole in the floor. So, "phalangoids" is what the aliens are.
Oh, sure, you might say that other creatures have 5 digits on their extremities. And, there is the fossil record. BAH! They've falsified the fossil record, killing untold thousands of creatures and burying them in stone with their amazing alien technology. What about radioactive dating with trace elements? BAH! I say again, BAH!, and, BAH! (no offence to any sheep out there). This same technology allows them to plant radioactive trace elements within the stone to make them seem like they are billions of years old. But they aren't. And, as far as the supposed relationships to other creatures are concerned...they cloned these creatures with an extra digit to further hide evidence of their arrival.
Since they have infiltrated all strata of our population; they control the media, science, AND religion. They are constantly communicating with each other, right under our noses. Now, with the advent of the internet (their invention), they communicate with alarming ease. Think of all those typos you make while you are emailing, or instant messaging, playing MST3K's "Caption This", or "chatting" online. Those aren't typos.
Those are communications in their encrypted alien text.
Certain skeptics might be wondering if
this is true, how can I be typing this now? A childhood injury to my hand,
where I was cut deeply, evidently weakened the control one of my host aliens
has over me. This allows me the freedom of thought to investigate these
Certain other skeptics have asked-and it is a good question-how I could know some of this information. All of us are familiar with the "pins and needles" sensation of one of our limbs "falling asleep". This can happen from lack of circulation, or, from irritation or maybe damage to the nerves in the limb. When I injured my hand, evidently I damaged some of the nerves. So, sometimes my pinky gets that "prickly feeling" of falling asleep. This happens occasionally. This is not uncommon. Limbs fall asleep all the time. But, my pinky talks in its sleep.
So, now you also know the truth. I reckon that this public exposure of their secret efforts was as good an event as any to open my new web domain. Now that I've told you about their amazing technological advancement, you can guess what else they're capable of. So, of course, you must be asking the question: "If they have this much power, why didn't they just invade Earth and take over everything?"
In answer, I can only say this:
How the hell should I know? I'm not a damn alien!
The text on this page is intended as satirical humor. It is fictional. I made it all up, except for the part about the man talking about naming creatures and being pulled screaming through the floor. I actually saw that happen. It was in a movie named "Tremors".
I am not responsible for any person performing any harmful actions as a result of what they see here. I am not responsible for any lunatic, weirdo, maniac, moron, idiot, dolt, nincompoop, or any other mentally-impaired person who decides to: A.) Test themselves for phalangoid contamination via a sledgehammer or any other blunt or sharp instrument. B. )Test OTHER people in the manners described in (A.) , or C.) Remove their own "pinky" fingers. D.) Remove OTHER people's pinky fingers or E.) Any other actions that these mentally-deficient people might take as a result of a mistaken belief that they or anyone else has been possessed by small alien beings, phalangoids or otherwise.
This page started April 6, 2000.
Changed 06-18-2001 10:09 PM (removed
All material on this page copyright (c) 2000, by Richard Dashnau
Now that you've read all this, to read part 2.